I have always had a deep independent streak; my 11th grade English teacher went so far as to call me a deviant (hmm). It seems in earlier years I did enjoy flowing against the mainstream. However, in spite of the fact that nothing seems to separate oneself from secular society as much as wearing a kippah (few non-Jews even know what tsitsit are after all), I am still not entirely comfortable doing so. Even the smallest knit “Modern Orthodox” yarmulke says, “My values are different than yours.”
I delayed thinking about this issue for some time because until I became Shomer Shabbos I only wore a kippah at events at which religious people were present. I felt, or rationalized–I am not sure which it was really–that it was not appropriate for me to present myself to the world when I was violating such a central tenet of our faith. I thought it would make me, and Judaism, look bad. As readers of this blog now know, this is no longer an issue as I now keep Shabbos. I can no longer rationalize not wearing a yarmulke. Now the issue is reversed, now I cannot really think of myself as being observant because we keep kosher and observe Shabbos, but I walk around with my head uncovered. (I think this may explain how people LEVERAGE THEMSELVES UP into living more religious lives.)
So what to do? Although I always detested wearing baseball caps, and quite honestly looked askance at people who wore them out all the time, I have been wearing one a fair amount these days. I feel slightly better about this because I wear Jewish themed caps; it’s my way of saying, “I am not afraid to tell you that I am Jewish, but don’t think of me as one of those REALLY religious people.” And even when I do wear one, I am never really sure which one is right for me.
Generally in the past when I have worn one at “Jewish events” it has been a medium-sized black fabric one–I suppose polyester or something. It leans (philosophically) to the right (read: traditional) I suppose. I wear it because a rabbi I respect gave it to me years ago when he did not like the little knit one I was wearing and told me to keep it. I do sometimes still wear a knit one, when the black one seems “too religious.”
Most people, I think, tend to stick to one sort, whereas I seem to be wearing one based upon where I think I will be during the day, and with whom. A more Modern Orthodox crowd, the knit. A more traditional crowd, the straight black one. When I am with mildly conservative, less observant and even secular Jews I am really at a loss. I want to do what I think is right, i.e., wear something on my head, but I don’t want to have these people discount what I am saying because the kippah says to them: “hello, my views are dogmatic and parochial.”
I suppose this will work itself out as I become more comfortable in my new observant skin, but in the meantime, it is yet one more little thing over which I can obsess in my new life as a Jew trying to make his way.
