Thus far, I have not thrown myself into davening as I know I should. I try to say Modeh Ani each morning. I wrap tefillin every day. I usually say Shema at least twice a day as well. However, I rarely go to shul, or stop my day to daven Mincha or Ma’ariv.
Quite honestly, I am not sure that I will be able to take this next step. Keeping kosher added a bit of complexity to my life, especially when I travel. Observing Shabbos requires a bit of self-control; surprisingly, I find not being able even to jot down a note the most difficult part of the day of rest. However, committing to prayer three times a day, especially when I don’t even read Hebrew (and even if I could learn, seeing it taking years to ever understand Hebrew well enough to follow along), make this the most daunting of the mitzvot. I know people say to take it one step at a time, but it is not like you can just pop into shul on Shabbos morning and do part of the service and leave. Everything about it is a bit overwhelming.
I suppose I need to ask myself if I really want this life for myself. Have I made all of these changes in my life because of the Jewish spark in my heart, or is there simply a need to set myself apart from a secular world I find perverse? Do I really want my children on this path, or is it simply a way to control them? I know one thing, although prayer is my next great hurdle, I do pray Hashem gives me clarity on these issues.
